The Guilt Factor

Today I almost took a bite out of Short Stack's cheek.

She wakes up from her nap all flushed, troll doll hair swirling up like the top of a Dairy Queen soft serve cone. She doesn't talk much when she gets up, like her Mama. And unlike my son, she'll climb onto my lap, put her head against my boobie (her word, not mine) and just be. Who needs a kitten? She's so warm and squishy and her cheeks are all chunky and smooth and before I know it- I've almost bitten her. It's like I can't get close enough or near enough to her. I want to just roll her into a ball and stuff her into my shirt and then I realize that I didn't even like that when I was pregnant and I calm down.

I've heard authors use the phrase 'I loved them so much I wanted to devour them.' And of course that's what I'm getting at here. But really, why aren't there words or phrases or even great works of art that sufficiently describe HOW that love feels? I want so badly to be eloquent and original enough to explain- I don't even know to who- how it feels to love your children. And why I've made certain choices.

I put my life/art on hold for three years to be with these amazing creatures full time. And all the time I justified it as something I was doing for them. The fact of the matter is, it's been for me. I never in a million years saw myself as a stay home Mom. Even writing that gives me the willies. But when it comes down to it, I just couldn't leave them. I think I am the only Mom who sent their son to preschool and never left the classroom. Or if I did, I would crane my head around some bush on the playground and watch for some sign that I shouldn't go. I am convinced my cell phone will die right when Sasha the gerbil becomes rabid and attacks only my child. Lately Grand Slam has started to turn to me when I drop him off and say, "Mommy I'm ready for you to go now."

I guess I'm writing about this because of the guilt. They say you can't escape the Mom guilt. It wakes me up sometimes. If you work, you feel you should be at home with them. If you're at home, you feel you should be doing something for yourself. But often when I'm home with them I'm checking my iphone compulsively. And I've canceled countless artist dates with myself because I thought the kids "needed me too much to go." Of course the answer lies somewhere in the middle. Or is it?

Personally, I've always felt balance to be overrated. I mean what brilliant art or thoughts or acts of courage came out of coloring within the lines? So, bring it guilt. I ain't skeered a you. And I'm gonna keep loving the guts outta my kids too while I'm at it. Shamelessly. Endlessly. I'm destined to be the Mom that wears big hats and sings too loudly.

And if you see my daughter and she's missing an ear- you'll know why.

Mindless Mommy